well, he called again. he didn't visit or call at all since my last entry here, until yesterday. he had rotten timing, because he wanted to go swimming, and i'd just showered.
...okay, okay, so it was because i was afraid of what would happen. i knew we would be alone. me + will + water - most clothing = not exactly comfortable for me.
but i told him that i'd just showered [which was actually true, but not my real reason, as established above], and that i was tired anyway, and we dropped it.
well, today he called again, wanting to go swimming again. i said no, and he pestered. that gave me a little bit of nerve to say no every time he pestered me.
then he asked me about when i was giving him an answer for his "question". the one about me dating him. and i kind of avoided it for a little bit, until he started to pester me. that annoyed me to no end, so i told him the truth:
that i wasn't comfortable with the thought of dating him because he felt like a brother.
and now, for some reason, i kind of regret that decision. i have no idea why, either. i'm not attracted to him, that much i know for sure. i guess i'm just kind of wondering if i could've been attracted to him, given a little bit of time and hanging out with him a little. but then i start to wonder if maybe i've just wanted a boyfriend so badly that when the first guy that actually seemed interested in me turned out to be someone i considered too familial to date, i just want to say screw it and date him anyway. which would be an entirely wrong reason, no?
but then when i talked about it with my brother's girlfriend, and discovered that i wouldn't want to be completely exclusive anyway...
i don't know. i'm so confused, and nothing seems to be unconfusing me.