Kara (ex_karasaur) wrote in youve_got_male,
Kara
ex_karasaur
youve_got_male

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hey all!

long time no communicado, hm?

of course i have a guy story. and this time, it's almost the reverse of my previous post [under my former username]. this time, i'm not going to friends-lock this post, so i'm not going to use real names.

it starts with me, and a boy named.... we'll say will. will isn't the cutest boy in the world, but he's far from ugly. he's also a complete sweetheart, and incredibly funny. i've known will since i was in diapers. literally. my mom babysat he and his little sister from diaperhood on until about the age of eleven. will is the same age i am. as i said, i've known him all my life.

when we were about...16 or so, will's mother got remarried and they moved to illinois. he visited the following summer to see his dad, and it was great. then they moved to new mexico. when will visited the following summer, i was worried about how he would react upon seeing me — in all honesty, i was also afraid of how i would feel. so i made up a story about my mother's diabetes and said i couldn't make it to his birthday [the one occasion upon which i could really see him]. so i didn't see him that summer.

now we're both 19, and will has moved back to maine permanently. i was shocked to see him when he pulled into the driveway yesterday, especially since the last time i had, it was almost two years prior. i knew he was probably back in town, but i hadn't expected him to stop in without a word beforehand.

he visited for maybe an hour with me and my parents before my parents left. as soon as they were gone, he turned on the flirt hardcore. for two hours, he flirted, cuddled, teased and tickled. and then he said it. the words i'd waited to hear from a guy since my hormones started kicking in:

"we should go out."

oh, if it had been from anyone other than will.

you see, the problem is this:

i'm not attracted to him. i feel no pull that would indicate that i feel anything other than friendship for him.

at first i thought that it was just because i hadn't seen him in almost two years. so i told him i'd think about it. and i did. extensively.

the more extensive thought process began when will showed up again today. my first thought upon seeing him pull in the driveway:

he's here again?! why?!

exasperation is not something to feel when seeing someone for the second time after two years.

i talked to my brother. his opinion is that will wants a girlfriend simply to be able to say he has a girlfriend. he's also very protective of me, as i'm the baby of the family, so he could have been saying that to discourage me from pursuing anything.

i talked to my brother's girlfriend about it. she was very attentive and listened to all of my confusion. she made me realize how little i want to be in any relationship. i mean... one person [guy or girl], for that long? i wouldn't be able to stand it.

i talked to my mom about it. at first she encouraged me to date him, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i didn't want to. i.e., i don't feel the desire to pursue anything with will.

when he and i were cuddling yesterday, i was very comfortable. in a very platonic sense, that is. i wasn't affected in any sexual way during the cuddling. until he started brushing his fingers against my arms and legs. i'm not even sure if it was a conscious effort on his part. i'm certain that my reaction was caused more from the contact than the person.

the more i think about it, the less i want to try to see if anything could happen.

my biggest problem:

i don't want to tell will how i feel because i don't want to hurt him. i'm the kind of person that would rather suffer through something than hurt someone or make someone uncomfortable. my previous post is a decent testimony to that [remember how long i didn't tell you-know-who how i felt? same idea.]. i know i'm going to. i just don't know when. i really hope that will doesn't show up tomorrow as well. that would drive me insane. well, not literally, of course, but i would... i dunno, pretend i wasn't home or something [i know, i'm such a coward T_T].

anyway, that's my story. any ideas on what to say to will, friends? some way that a guy would understand, that wouldn't make me feel like a cunt [pardon my language]? i would really appreciate pretty much any kind of help or advice right now.

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